Perfectly Horrifying
by Madame Cross Marian
Summary: In which Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima are the most terrifying, and yet somehow perfectly fitting couple in Ikebukuro. A collection of one-shots and flahses into their lives. Fem!Izaya
1. Vending Machines and Pregnancy

"It's rare for you to be here in Ikebukuro, isn't it, Izaya?"

A red eyed woman sat before them, and for reasons known only to her, she smirked. Yes, some of it had to be the way her dear online "friend"'s eyes flickered wider at the mention of her name, an action that always brought her joy, since it meant they had heard things about her- scary things. Things, thus, that she approved of. But even more so she smirked because every time someone in this glorious city commented on the rarity of her presence she was gifted with that brief thrill of remembering that she was doing something she was explicity not supposed to do. Because as much as she bathed in all things shady and manipulative, she was rarely told up front not to do something and her darling Shizu-chan had one simple request for her: stay out of Ikebukuro. Oh, how she loved breaking that request.

Kida Masaomi looked between them in a brief panic and introduced them at the speed of light, as though she would somehow harm him if he didn't explain quickly enough. Oh, she loved that, too!

Standing, she gave the newcomer a soft bow, pale hands clasped before her tickled by the ends of long, ebony hair falling past her slim shoulders. "I'm Izaya Orihara, and it's an absolute pleasure to meet you." She purred with a well-timed bat of false lashes even more ebony than her hair. Then, throwing her default seductress attitude out the window, she allowed herself a giggle. "Your name really does sound like an air conditioner."

"Oh...yeah."

How eloquent.

"So, why are you here in Ikebukuro anyhow?" Kida said with just enough of a move forward as to create the smallest of physical barriers between her and his delicate friend. Really, did he think she made that much of a habit of stabbing people in the middle of the street? Who weren't Shizu-chan?

"I'm here to see someone..." She made uncomfortably direct eye-contact with the human air-conditioner, just long enough to bring a rosy tint to hid cheeks. "But I already met him."

 _ **/CRASH/**_

 _ **"** IZAYAAAAAAAAA!"_

"Oh no, this is bad."

"Heh, you're telling me, eh kid?" She laughed bit at the convenience store trash can conveniently blocking the alley way exit before them. Her once elegant hair was piled in a tangled knot atop her head, the force of the wind as the trashcan had passed acting not unlike a vengeful hair-destroying tornado, and it had taken the zipper from the bottom corner of her beloved and fluffy-edged jacket up with it, lost in the sea of darkness that was her hair.

 _ **"Izaya. Dear.** "_

"Yes," She nodded. It was best to be simple with a, despite her best efforts, untamed beast such as her lover. "That is me."

"Did I not tell you.." He swiped off his blue-tinted glasses and clipped them into his vest. "NEVER to come to Ikebukro again?"

"Oh, my beloved Shizu-chan," she sighed. "This was much easier back when you worked the west entrance."

"As if, flea. I'd know your slimy scent anywhere. And don't call me that! My name is Shizuo!"

This time air-conditioner released an audible gasp that couldn't help but stir up a touch of jealously in the brunette. How come her wit never got as strong a reaction as her monster's brawn? It wasn't fair!

"What, still mad I had that first ultrasound without you?"

"No- wait, yes I am, actually! But aside from that I won't have our daughter growing up calling me Oto- _chan_ or anything else ridiculous because of you, you hear me!"

"Oh, I never thought of that," she put a finger to soft lips in consideration.

"IZAYA."

Her smirk rang just a little more false.

"Yes, dear?"

"You're going home. Right now."

She turned her crimson lips into a pout and flipped out her switch blade like it was an everyday annoyance that couldn't be helped. "Now let's deal with this as though you're capable of listening to reason, Shizu-chan."

He spit out his cigarette.

"What are the chances, _really_ , of anything happening to me on the way back to our apartment? Much less, specifically bad enough to harm our child?"

The flickers of orange in the ashes were stamped out under the heel of a large black shoe.

"Besides, I'm kinda famous with the shady, and you even more so. Who'd _really_ be ballsy enough to attack me, of all people, in broad daylight?"

Her words went without any response aside from the blond rolling up the sleeves of his, for now, pristine white shirt. His honeyed eyes bored through her skull, and it was in that moment, that she knew she was not going to be walking back home. With, or without a fight.

"Stay back, you beast!"

All it took was one step in her direction, and she was flying the opposite direction.

"IZAYAAAA!"

She sped on with all her might, so caught up escaping she didn't notice the small army of thugs that had been slowly closing in. When Shizuo chased her straight into a wall of vengeful thugs, she felt an added weight, besides the tiny human, drop in her stomach. She wasn't going to be allowed to leave the house for weeks, was she?

"Dear."

"Yes."

"Why."

"...Well, Shizu-chan, I can't predict the exact outcome of _every_ course of action I take-"

There was a ring of snapping wood, and her lover's grip on her shoulders tightened dangerously with the blood running down his face, and the foolish laughter echoing in a ring around them.

"You were aiming for my head just now." The laughter halted. "You know that can kill someone, right? Which means, you were trying to kill me, right? And if that's not enough, you dared to take the risk of attacking me while I'm holding my girlfriend? My pregnant girlfriend? Which means not only were trying to kill me, but you didn't care if my girlfriend got hurt as well. And if you didn't care of my girlfriend got hurt, then you didn't care if my unborn child were to die at your hands!"

There was so little noise the absenece of sound had practically concaved into itself and made a vacuum of silence.

"Then," he released his lover at long last and turn to face the man that had just broken a baseball bat over his head. ''You can't complain about anything I do to you!"

As much as she was ever so slightly turned on by her boyfreind's ability to punch someone literally out of their clothes, Izaya and her clever little brain quickly deduced that perhaps her darling Shizuo-chan was right all along, and Ikebukuro was not the safest pace in the world for her and her tiny, parasitic stomach human. In fact, she decided, it was probably for the best that she just left. Right now.

And if she went just slow enough for a vending machine to land in her path and her victorious monster to scoop her up and march her back to their apartment in a fit of sexy rage, whose business was it really?

Yes, she really loved breaking Shizu-chan's rules.

AN: Well, as I write this AN it is 2:43 in the morning, and 6 months from now, I'll probably read this story, and I'll say to myself, "Wow, that was crap!", and then I'll rewrite it into oblivion, and it will no longer be crap. But, as things stand now, today, is not that day. May you have enjoyed it anyways.


	2. The Introduction of Namie

"Who are you, and why in the hell are you naked in my girlfriend's apartment?"

"I could ask you the same question." The dark-haired woman pulled on a green sweater. "Minus the girlfriend part. Instead, try 'my boss'. I'm told I'm her secretary."

When Shizuo had gotten out of bed for his morning smoke, he had accepted the fact that he was gonna see a floating head in a jar, but he wasn't quite ready for the naked woman in the living room.

"What the hell does she need a secretary for!?" He threw his cigarette across this room in the general direction of the trashcan. "And that doesn't answer the first half of my question!"

"Your lover was very insistent upon me clocking in at 6:32 every morning. I figured since I don't appear to have an actual purpose more than 7 minutes a day, I'd just use her shower here. She's fine with it."

"My my, Shizu-chan, naked with another woman in my own home!" A devious, velvet voice floated down from the in home balcony above them. The voice's owner was in no such state of undress, from her skin tight black jeans to her fluffy and well-loved coat. Her ebony hair floated around her to her hips in the artful mess she insisted was called "beach waves" but Shizuo called "trying too hard to look lazy".

"Whatever, you know perfectly well you're the only woman masochistic enough to risk sleeping with me."

"And I love it so!" She purred, leaping down from the loft like the showoff she was. Sometimes when you were a parkour master, stairs just weren't good enough for you. Scarlet irises locking in on her underwear-only clad boyfriend she sauntered over to him in a walk he could only describe as sashay. With a deliberate laziness she took a creamy, red-nailed finger and traced the lines of his abdomonen with a feather touch. "However, as much as I do love _every_ inch of you, I really must be going."

She backed away, ignoring her secretary's remarks of "disgusting" and "why am I here" to look her lover down from head to toe once more. "After all, I have a lot of information to gather before I start showing, and not all day to do it. Do put on some pants before you leave, would you, Shizu-chan?"

"Well, I was thinking about streaking my way to Ikebukuro, but now that you mention it," he quipped, leaning over a foot or so until he was eye-level with the woman. "Just stay out of Ikebukuro, okay, Izaya?"

He sounded so genuinely tired and not demanding, she was almost tempted to listen. "Of course, Shizu-chan! I'd never put our child in harm's way like that again!"

The last half of that sentence was, in her own twisted view at least, true. She darted over the plant a quick peck on her boyfriend's lips, and then, with a devilish look, did the same to Namie before slipping out the door.

"Well would you look at that." The brunette stated vacantly. "It's the closest you'll ever get to a threesome."

"...Do I not get couple's rights to fire you or something?"

"I'm afraid not," she dictated monotonously on her journey to her desk.

And Shizuo, not for the first time in his life, thoroughly regretted his personal moral not hit girls.


End file.
